8 I AMs

This comes from the book of John. There are eight times, where Jesus says, " I Am..." After each statement, in parenthises will be the chapter and verse the statement is found.

1. I am the Bread of Life (6:35)
2. I am the Light of the world (8:12)
3. I am the gate for the sheep (10:7)
4. I am the Good Shepherd (10:11)
5. I am the Resurrection and the Life (11:25)
6. I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life (14:6)
7. I am the true vine (15:1)
8. Therefore, I tell you the truth, before Abraham was born, I AM (8:58)

If you notice, for 1-7, after the "I am" there is the word "the". Jesus is the only one of each of those statements.

Uncertain Future

No official surgery date, only a tentive one. The tentive date is Tuesday, June 12. Susposedly I will find out the complete details next Wednesday, when the doctor goes back into the office and the nurse who does the scheduling can talk to him, and finalize everything.

I can't start preparing for the sugery until I know when it is. I need to mentally prepare myself.

It talks in Proverbs about making plans. I've been making plans to go to FL, NC, and VA to check out school districts, try to get interviews. Because of being diagnosed with melanoma, I've had to scratch my plans, and make new plans. Guess what, they are not being scratched. Okay, Lord, what are you trying to tell me. Is the Lord closing doors? Does He want me to teach or do something else? Where does the Lord want me to live and work? Right now, it is in OH? I've put my life on old for now, which I don't like. I guess I need to quit making plans. Lord, I still want to go to Jamestown, VA this summer. Please let that be possible.

Deaths in the family

In the past two weeks, there have been two deaths in the family. First, my grandmother's niece, her brother's daughter, died of cancer. She was in her fifties. My great-uncle died Monday of a heart attack. My uncle was my grandmother's brother-in-law, my late grandfather's brother. Going to calling hours tomorrow night. If I am not called to sub on Friday, I will go to the funeral on Friday morning.

What did the doctor say?

I saw the plastic surgeon today. My appointment was for 10:15 am, I didn't get in to see him until around noon or slightly before. I will be having surgery in two weeks. (It is not next week, because they are out of the office next week.) The doctor will be injecting radioactive dye into area will the melanoma is on my right calf. They will use this dye to see where the melanoma is draining to. They want to see if it goes to the lymph nodes in my groin area. They want to see if there is any cancer in my lymph nodes. The results of that test will take about a week.

Also in surgery, the doctor will make 2 cm incisions on both sides of the melanoma to take it out of my leg. Then a skin graft from my thigh will be made to cover the hole they make. I will be in a cast for about 4-5 days, because I will not be able to move my leg. The surgery will be out-patient and take about 3 hours.

This means mom and I will not be going down to FL that week so I could attend a job fair and go check out other school districts in FL and NC. Mom said we might go a couple of weeks later into June. I hope this will not stop me from going to TX later in June for SV's wedding.

Mom and I both know that God has a plan and his reasoning for all of this to be happening. We just don't see it. I think and pray about this, but so far, it hasn't compeltely settled in. It probably won't until after the surgery and I know more.

Anxiety and Fear

Tomorrow is D-day. I try not to think too much about tomorrow. My parents and my great-aunt and uncle (even though I never use aunt and uncle before their names) will be at my doctor's appointment in the morning. I will be seeing a retired plastic surgeon (from what I have been told). What will he do? What will he say? Has it really been caught early? I had that thing since September of last year. When you think too much about something, it can start to controll you, and I do not want to be controll about the unknown about tomorrow. I talk to the Lord about this. I am a little worried and scared.

I keep telling myself, that I need to go down to the basement and look for my angel doll I packed away back in February. I have so many people praying for me, of which I am very thankful and grateful for. I want the Lord to be glorified through this whole thing. As I said before, He has a reason for this.

After tomorrow, I will know exactly what kind of cancer it is. Where it is seems strange to me. True, I am blonde hair, blue-eyed, very fair skinned person who burns. I do not lay out, laying on my stomach. When I do sit outside, I might or might not use sunscreen, but I sit or I am in the water. The back of my legs don't see the sun.

I want to ask why, but exactly what good will it do? It still is kinda shocking to know that I have cancer. All I can still say, "Father, your will be done here on earth as it is in Heaven."

Cancer

Cancer is something you wished you never have to hear. I found a brown spot on the back of my right leg last September. Since I do not have health insurance I didn't do anything about it. Since January, it has bled off and on. I went to the doctor last Thursday afternoon to see the doctor. He took it off, and sent it to pathology to have it tested. He called this morning with the results. Came back cancerous. I have cancer. I will say it again. I have cancer. It is probably just skin cancer, but still the same cancer.

Next Wednesday morning, I have an appointment at 10:15 am (EST) with a specialist. Both of my parents will be there. Because of work, my sissy can't be there. She gets to tell my niece. How do I tell my handicap brother? How much will he understand? I haven't see him in almost three weeks. Business of life and then I was sick with a bad head cold.

The Lord has his reasons for things. Mom said he knew by me coming home, I would have my family support through this. It is very shocking to hear the words. Hold me in your arms, Father. Use me to bring glory to your name. I am going to need to feel your prescence during this time.

How is things going to affect looking for a new job? How is this going to affect getting health insurance again, after I get a job. How much will this cost me? How will I pay for this? Please do not let this drive me nuts Father Lord. Lord, you know how I have been trying to lean on you in the past month. How I have been trying to wait upon you. I do not know your plans or reasoning for this. All I can say, Your will be done here on Earth as it is in heaven. You are in charge, I am not.