I think this is scare #6

So far, February has been a rough month, and March will also be rough.  Last Friday (2/15) I had my CT scan with contrast.  I saw my oncologist this morning for the results.  As the title says, another scare that my cancer is back.  What did the scan say?  Lymph nodes a little worse and they are not easily accessible; small nodules in both lungs 2-7 mm in size and too small to be biopsied, and my spleen is 2 cm bigger. My blood word I had done on the 5th cam back good.  I found out today that I was diagnosed with granuloma disease two years ago.  Go to the following website to find out more information about granuloma disease: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001239.htm. From reading this, I think my brother also had granuloma disease.  According to the website, it is an inherited disease, so both of my parents are carriers.

Next Monday (2/25) I will have a Pet/CT scan.  That Friday (3/1) I will be seeing a new doctor, a Cardiothoracic surgeon in the morning and see my oncologist early that afternoon.  I googled the surgeon, and from what I read, he is to be a top notch surgeon/doctor.

Depending on what the PET/CT scan says will determine the next steps.  Biopsy? Surgery?

It seems like every year, I have a scare of some kind.  I am tired of having a scare every year.  When can I go a year without scares?

Father,
      I know you know what you are doing?  You have plans to prosper me, not to harm me.  Please give me the strength to get through this.  I also what you to be glorified during this time.  Please use me in whatever way you deem.  Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.  I am not happy.  This on top of Timmy's death, and the stress of the school year seems to be too much bear.

Amen

Lung Doctor Visit

Yesterday afternoon, I saw my lung doctor. I said in a previous post that I had sarcoid. I have not been officially diagnosed with sarcoid. My doctor said I have either sarcoid or the spots on my lungs (possibly nodules) could mean a tumor (cancer). he said are we losing ground just doing nothing? He is in touch with my oncologist, and he said my latest scans are good. I had a breathing test last month, and I do have a bit of inflammation in my lungs. I do have a cough at times at night. I don't have any symptoms. So for now, we are doing nothing. I really do not want to go on steroids, unless I have to. Steroids we be the course of action if I do have sarcoid. My next CT scan and lung test is Friday, February 17. I will see the lung doctor in March. For now, he is not going to schedule a broncoscopy.

PET scan results

I got hold of my oncologist this morning and spoke with a nurse. I was told that nodules in my left lung popped up on the PET scan. My oncologist wants to have a biopsy today. Lymph nodes will be removed from under my left arm. I do not know when the surgery will be scheduled. I will know more after I see the surgeon Friday, March 25 at 4 pm. I will see my oncologist again after the biopsy.

It is looking frightening as if my cancer is back and it has spread. It might just be a scare and just stress causing the enlargements. But it sure is scary.

I know that someday I will be thankful for all of this, but right now, I am not. Don't see how this is to prosper me or is for my good. All I do know is that God will be magnified through it all.

I Hate Scares!

I was driving to see my brother Saturday morning and was thinking, and it hit me, this is my third scare in a year, in thinking my cancer might be back. I never thought about cancer before I was diagnosed, and now I do think about it more. The waiting part is the worse. God knows why He is allowing me to go through this.

My New Hole

Actually, I'm not sure if it is a hole, but I did hear the derm say something about doing about 2 cm on Thursday. Thursday morning, I had minor surgery on the back of my right knee. Little more around the area of the removed mole was taken and sent to pathology to be tested for cancer cells. I received 6 stitches with at least a couple of them under the skin. There is a bandage over the area. I gt the stitches out on March 1. I try to keep my leg elevated when I can. I do have to be careful with my right leg.

Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? If my cancer is back, how does it prosper me, not harm me? God says in Jeremiah 29:11, "I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you." Why now? I am teaching full-time. I Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to be thankful for everything. I am not thankful! Some day I will be, not now. Yes, I have still told God thank you. I don't' understand. I didn't understand 3 years ago, and I don't now either. True, I told God last year, that I would rather move up a stage than my sissy be above stage 1. She is only stage 1, and now I might be moving up. I won't know until May if my cancer is back or not. I've been crying and I have been questioning God. I know God has a plan, and I have to trust Him. It is going to be very hard to do. I do not like this at all.

Derm Report: Is it Back?

I was getting ready to leave school to go to my dentist appointment. I had two fillings replaced this afternoon. I checked my phone, and there were two voicemail messages. One was my dad, no big deal, and the other was my derm. I called them back, they wanted to tell me the report about my mole that was removed almost two weeks ago. She said there was no melanoma, but there were some A Typical cells. I now have an appointment for April 12 at 11:45 am for surgery, where she will numb that area of my leg, do an excise of the mole area. Stitches will be used. They will then send that info to the lab to be checked. Please pray! I told the nurse to tell my derm that a lymph node had shown up on teh CT scan, and she will tell her.

Happy Anniversary

Today is my Second Nedaversary! I am two years NED today! Two years cancer free!

You Are God Alone

You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

The above words is the chorus from the Phillips, Craig, and Dean song, "You Are God Alone". Part of the chorus has been running through my mind over the past few days. I was doing my homework for the Esther Bible study, and had to look up a verse in Isaiah, and came across the following verse that I had underlined in my Bible: "When you pass through the waters, I w ill be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

I am sad right now, and ready to cry. I have been debating or not to post this, because it is not about me, but about one of my loved ones, and the more it sets in, the harder it becomes for me. Somebody I love dearly, has been diagnosed with breast cancer. (I am not saying here who it is.) Surgery will be this Thursday, and from there will know what stage and exactly the treatment this person will have. We do know for sure, this person will have radiation M-F for six weeks. I did tell God this morning, that I would rather move up to stage 4, than this person be stage 3 or 4. People have lived years at stage 4, because they have gone into remission. I do not know how one of my favorite verses fits into this. Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." How is cancer to prosper you and not to harm you? I do not know why this person has breast cancer, and I do not understand. We have seen God's hand in this, in how this person was diagnosed. Even I Thessalonians 5:18 says, "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I have told God that I am not thankful, I mean my heart is not thankful at all, but I have thanked him anyway. I know someday my heart will be truly thankful in this. God will be glorified in all of this. God knows what He is doing. I do not see it. I am hurting inside, and those who read this, I do ask for your prayers.

All of the verses I have written are from the NIV.

Pathology Report

I had two doctor appointments this morning, one at 9 am and the other at 9:45 am. I was late to the second one. Which is okay, since I have to wait longer in the waiting room to see the doctor. I saw the onc first. He shared some good news with us. He'd thought we had already heard the news. My lymph nodes came back clear! No cancer was found in them. The pathologist did see some bengin stuff looking like sarcoid. (The doctor I saw for second opinion back in August said I might have sarcoid.) The onc wanted blood drawn to be tested for sarcoid. I will find out in a couple of days if I have sarcoid. I am not completely sure what it is. Sarcoid can be found anywhere in the body. By doing immunotherapy, the sarcoid can become active, and that is something to watch for. One symptom of sarcoid is a nagging cough, which I have had since I was a kid. As of now, the high dose of the interferon (immunotherapy) is scheduleded to start Monday, October 22. Each treatment will last about 3 hours. I will go to the 7th floor of City Hospital to recieve my treatment. The nurse went over the side effects with us this morning. She is going to fax us the schedule for treatments and office visits tomorrow.

My second appointment was to see the surgeon and the resident. My incision is looking good. Both of my parents have seen it. It is normal to have redness arond the drain sites. I showed both the surgeon and the resident my blisters. Once I have healed from the blisters, I have to try the stocking again, and if it is still way too tight and causing problems, then I have to be remeasured for it. I saw some redness above my right heal this afternoon. So that means all of the ace bandages are off of my leg. My leg is supposed to be wrapped, but if I want the sores to heal, I can't have them wrapped.

The resident decided to leave the drains in for at least another week. She said I am still draining too much. For the drains to come out, I am to only drain 30cc (30mL) total for both drains per day. I drain between 60cc-100+cc per day.

Mom, Dad, and myself went out to lunch at Spaghetti Warehouse today. I called it a celebration lunch.

Holy Father, thank you for answering my prayer the way I wanted it answered. You know I didnt' want this surgery, but if I didnt' have it, I'd be wondering if any lymph nodes would be cancerous or not. Thank you for no more surgeries. Lord, if I do have sarcoid, please do not let it become an issue.

Oh, What Fun We Had!

The fun started Tuesday morning. (If you haven't figured it out yet, I am being sarcastic.) I was taken back before 8 am. The nurse started pre-op vitals and stuff. She had to draw blood this time, and glory be! my veins co-operated and she got 3 vials of blood. I was praising God. Then she goes to start an IV in the back of my left hand. She got the needle in, but my vein decided to roll. She stopped right there and then. The nurse called down to the operating room to tell them they would have to start an IV. God chose to answer that prayer, but saying no, to my veins not co-operating.

I was taken down to the operating room a little before 9 am. I hugged my parents bye. In the operating room, I was given warm blankets and warm towels. These two nurses tried, right elbow, left hand, right hand, left foot. The anthesologist came in, he tried the right side of my neck. Before trying to start an IV, they would give me a shot of numbing medicine. He got an iv started on the left side of my neck. You never want an iv in your neck! It hurts! You can not hold up your head very well. Six days later, I am still sore.

I was taken to recovery around 1 pm. The surgeon took out the superfluous lymph nodes, just underneath the skin. I was given 2 drains. My mom has to dump the drain bulbs 3 times a day. They do not drain much.

Taken up to my hospital room around 8pm, little later. That bed was so uncomfortable! My back hurt! I couldn't move very well to get comfortable. I couldn't even move the bed up or down by the buttons until Thursday. I was admitted to the hospital, because the surgeon wanted to try to get my port placement moved up. I was originally scheduled for the port placement, October 3.

Had quite a few visitors on Wednesday. I kept asking the nurses Wednesday evening, for the Indians score, they didn't know. We didn't' pay to turn on the tv.

I got my port placed Thursday afternoon, the last one, by Special Procedures. The port is on my right side, in the upper chest area. That area is sore, do have a bit of pain there.

What else hurts? My neck is still sore. I have blisters just behind my right knee, due to the ace bandages wrapped too tightly around my knee. Thursday, my stocking was put on my leg, not completely or correctly, so that no pressure would be put onto my incision in the groin. The stocking caused blisters in two more areas. Those areas are a little below my two drains. It hurts to stand up, sit down. Sometimes it is uncomfortable in the recliner due to the blisters. By one of the drain areas, I feel a pulling sensation.

I see both of my doctors Wednesday morning. But it feels so good to be home! Thank you Lord, the surgery went well.

Prayer

This morning's sermon was from John 17. The setting was the Mount of Olives, before He was betrayed by Judas Iscariot. In between praying that God would take away the cup and praying that God's will be done, not his, Jesus prayed for his disciples (that were actually praying for him) and for his future disciples. That is actually a comfort, knowing that Jesus is praying for us.

I have people praying for me here in OH, in TX, FL, ID, WA, CA, MI, and a few other states that I do not know about. God has answered prayers, and there a few that he hasn't answered yet. God doesn't always answer our prayers. He doesn't always answer them according to the way we want them to be answered. What I can say, is that Jesus is walking beside me, during this whole thing. When we are in pain, it is hard to remember that Jesus had been in physical pain, when He was here on this Earth.

Someday, God will reveal to us, why He answered our prayers the way He did. I so do appreciate all the prayers that have been sent up to our Heavenly Father so far, and will continue to be sent up on my behalf. God is answering them in his way, and according to his glory. I have been praying that all of this can be used by God and that He will be glorified through all of this.

God is good, even though we do not see the goodness in the hardship. I do not see the goodness in having cancer. I do not see the goodness in not teaching full-time. I am anxious about Tuesday. I do not know what to expect. I keep thinking about the worse, and that is why I have not wanted this procedure. I pray that the side effects are very minimal.

Father, you are the healing Physician. I know you will heal me in your time, and according to your will. Your will be done here on Earth as it is in heaven. Right now, I can not thank you for allowing me to go through this, but someday in the future, I will be able to look back and see all the good that has come out of this and say Thank you. You are my God and I am your child. Please continue to hold me in your hands and to give me the strength that I need. I love you Father. Amen.

LND/Port/Venting

My LND (lymph node disection) is next Tuesday, September 25 at 9am. I will not be having the port implanted that day. I will now be getting the port on Wednesday, October 3 in the morning. I have to have a blood test either on October 1 or 2. I had to end up going through my onc. to get my port.

I worked 4 days this week, with a total of 9 days for this two week pay period that ends today. I hope to work on Monday of next week. I will then go into the system to make myself unavailable for the rest of the week. Somehow, my mom has it stuck in her head, that I will be able to work the following week. I keep telling her that I won't be able to, as long as I have a drain in me. She will not listen. She thinks I will only have the drain for a week. I say I will have it for at least 2 weeks. I keep telling her, she is stuck at the house with me for two weeks, because I will need her help in the changing and cleaning of whatever needs to be done, because of the drain.

We'll see.

Friends

This weekend, God revealed to me another reason why he brought me. I shared it with the ladies at the retreat. God brought me home, so that I could be around people, my age, who are in remission from cancer, and somebody who is battling cancer (but now in remission). He wanted to surround me with people who knew what I was going through and who understand. I thank the Lord for that.

My Decision

Saw a Melanoma Doctor up at Cleveland Hospitals this afternoon. He agrees that I should do the recommended treatment. So, I am. I am going to have more surgery. I will be having the lymph node disection. I should hopefully find out next week when. Mom and I are going to go a certain pharmacy tomorrow, so I can be measured for a pressurized stocking. I will have to wear this stocking for the rest of my life. I will have problems with swelling for the rest of my life.

I also want to have a port implanted into me as well. I am going to call Dr. Patel's office tomorrow, to ask about a general surgeon to see about him putting into me. I would prefer it to be done the same time, the lymph node disection is going on, so that I won't have to heal from two separate surgeries.

Once the lymph nodes are taken out, then they will be tested for cancer. If they come back positive, then I would be at Stage 3b, instead of Stage 3a. I might even have to do radiation or something like that before doing immunotherapy.

Another thing found either on the scans or from pathology were granulomas. That has something to do with Sarcoid. I will have to see a pulmonary doctor next year about that. If I have Sarcoid, that would explain the cough I have had since I was a kid. The immunotherapy can cause havic on the sarcoid, and if that would become worse, then the immunotherapy would be stopped.

As of right now, I have a 30% chance of a new case of melanoma within the next three years. If there is cancer in my other lymph nodes, then that percentage goes up.

I was told that there was at least two pockets of microscopic cancer in the lymph node that was taken out in June. My melanoma was ulcerated, because it was bleeding off and on since January of this year. Dr. Burns removed 3.25 mm of the melanoma tumor in May. Another 1.2 mm was removed back in June.

I am also going to have to start seeing a dermatologist, and will be seeing this person for the rest of my life.

How do I feel about this? I can't really say. I have been feeling a little detached from this all. I'm glad the decision has been made. I appreciate how this doctor really explained things to us. I am praying that God will use all that I am going through to feed somebody else.

CT Scan Results

I saw the cancer doctor this morning. He saw three things on the films. I have sinuses inflamed on the right side, a 3mm nodule in the upper lobe of my left lung, and a lymph node in the chest area. They are too small for a biospy to be done. On Monday afternoon, I will have a PET Scan done. I have to be there at 12:30 pm for registration, 1 pm, the prep starts and lasts an hour, and the actual test lasts an hour. I will have an IV inserted for them to inject stuff into me.

Next Friday, I will find out the results of this test. I will find out what treatment I will have, what stage I am at, and if I have to have more lymph nodes removed or not.

I have already been told what to expect if I have to have more lymph nodes removed. I will be measured for a stocking in advance, that will have to be worn. The surgery will require an overnight stay at the hospital. There could be swelling in my leg, especially the thigh area. (That is not good, and I am already big there.) Also any wounds I recieve to the leg, will be slow in healing or might not heal at all.

I am sad and disappointed. God did answer my prayer, just not to my liking. I have thanked him for answering my prayer. I asked for the scan to come back negative, that the cancer hasn't spread. I don't understand why for this interuption into my life to have cancer right now. Later in my life, I will understand. I wouldn't say that getting cancer is the best for me, but God does say. God knows what he is doing. I have to trust him, but that is a little hard. I do want God to be glorified through this.

Also on Monday, I am going to try to start the process in applying for Medicaid/Medicare. I have to take certain papers with me, and it requires waiting. I will only have the morning to wait, that is it. I pray that I will have everything with me on Monday, and that I will be able to start the process. I have to have something to pay for my medical costs. I am hoping to sub this coming school year, but I don't know how often I will be called and able to sub. Plus, I found out the cost of the PET Scan for Monday, $6,000-$8,000. I do not have that kind of money.

Father, please carry my burdens. You know what I need. Please provide for me.

Getting Smaller

I noticed tonight that the hole on my back leg (where the melanoma was removed) is getting smaller. But, at night, my mom, notices that the top part of the hole is swollen and puffy. It is because I am on my leg during the day. No matter, how much time I do sit with it up, it still is swollen. In the morning, the swelling is down. It has been one month since I had my surgery.

I am nervous about tomorrow. I printed up some things tonight about a clinical trial, and a couple of other treatments for melanoma. One printout has questions to ask about clinical trials.

This morning, I saw 3 deer. Two were fawns, and one was the mama deer. I thanked the Lord for allowing to see the deer.

Seeing the Cancer Doctor

M&D and I saw the cancer doctor this morning. It means a lot to me in having both of them there. I am going to have a CAT Scan tomorrow, to see if the cancer has spread. Hopefully it will look good and no need to have a PET Scan. I have to drink this goop tonight and tomorrow morning. I am praying that I will be able to keep it down and not throw it back up. I have to have blood work done as well. This will determine exactly what treatment I will have.

The doctor's plan is to do the immunotherapy or a clinical trial of something. Looking at no chemo. I am happy about that. No loosing my hair. I know it is vain, but I like my long hair. I was told the immunotheraphy will rev up my immune system. The side effects will be fever, chills, and flu-like syptoms. I will still be able to Sub this fall when I feel up to it. The immunotherapy lasts a year. I will be IV's M-F for so many weeks, then injections three times a week.

With the info the doctor has, he says I am at Stage 3A, because a lymph node was removed. There are 5 stages in melanoma, from stage 0-4.

I am disappointed. I wanted to teach full-time this fall. I still don't understand. God has great plans out there for me. I want him to be glorified throughout all of this. Here is a thought, I haven't shared with anybody before, I'm still single, will I stay single, because of having cancer? Because of having cancer, will I be a liablity in getting a full-time teaching position next year? Why God? Why now? How does this fit into your plan? Are you trying to teach me something?

Next week, I will go to PT (physical therapy) and see both doctors.

Infection

When I saw the doctor last week, he said to call the office if the right corner was getting red. Mom made a comment Saturday night, while chaning the dressing, that my leg was red. It was redder yesterday afternoon, when she changed it. She changed it again this morning before going to work. She said it was really red, a little warm, and there was a smell. I called the doctor's office and he agreed to see me at 4:30 pm in between surgries. Turns out I have a small infection in my leg. Now mom, has to actually put some soap in the hole when I shower, use distill water on gauze pads in the hole before putting on a new dressing.

It was God, that I was able to get into to see him this afternoon. If I had to wait, it would've gotten worse. I was also given a prescription for an antibotic to take.

News from the doctor

I had my surgery on Tuesday, June 26. It was scheduled as an outpatient surgery. It was decided Tuesday night, that I would be admitted to the hospital until Friday. Friday, 29th was the day to have my dressings changed. We had fun getting me into the house Friday afternoon. I couldn't put any weight on my leg. I had to use a walker with wheels and hop. One lymph node was taken out. My mom has had to change the dressing on my leg and she says it looks ugly. My right leg hurts at times and my left leg burns, stings, hurts. The skin transplant came from my left thigh.

Went to the doctor this morning to have my right leg looked at. No more splint!!!!! I can now put weight on my right leg!!!!!!!!! Both yeahs!!!!!!!! Now after the good news, comes the bad news. That is right, bad news. The lymph node that was taken out is cancerous. I will be seeing an oncologist (cancer specialist). I will know more about course of action after seeing him.

This means I am not moving to AZ next month. I will just sub. I dont' understand why. I dont' understand why God opened one door and then turned around and closed that same door. It doesn't make any sense to me.